im gonna.. freeze. a moment. while we're together.

So it's raining. pretty badly. and i am loosely dwelled in my bed singing my cunt out to some tune i have not yet learned all the lyrics of. It's too loud for the rest of my world, but it could'nt bother me less. Im feeling artistic this evening. emotionally artistic that is. which leads me to write. and chain smoke like a fool. i love it. it's the rain on my windowpain. not important. im thinking of the people in my life. there are many. i met a few of them whilest visiting my home town this weekend. the most important ones. god i fucking adore them.

i had a couple of amazing conversations with a few of my loved ones throughout the weekend. about stimulation and inspiration and the lack thereof. what parts people tend to take in your life and the type of energy they bring to it. i hella liked it.

I've had a lot on my mind lately about this in perticular topic. i used to have a person in my life who managed to become a bigger part of my everyday than i ever thought possible. it seemed so real for the longest time. i was in love with his soul. with his words. with his actions. it was beautiful, but so dysfunctional. whatever it was. kind of pointless kind of heartfelt. i've been told i was fragile. delicate. i thought i was tough. guess not. idk. does it matter? Things are yet to fall into place, i know that. eventhough i doubt they ever will. (?) the point is, as long as you and i continue living, things will never fall into place. my thoughts are likely never to be understood (they don't even make sence in my own head). i just want the ability to talk to anyone i ever miss, anyone i ever feel a strong need to communicate with. sometimes he suits that need . but i can't be bothered. i shall only fall again, and im too weak for that.

the worst is this silence. gaah. it's so loud i can almost hear it. the cruelest of words and actions respectively is the absence of them. i can take any insult. size it up and chalk it up. But silence..
the only thing worse than knowing what you're thinking of me is not knowing.
i'll leave that at that.

thank you for all the things you ever said.
See you by our sunset.
if you remember.

//lala